The Art of Drowning
by An Inferno
Summary: End of/post-series speculation. Dreams, flashbacks, and Sasuke's descent into madness. A study in self-hatred, mental instability, and the terror of being loved. NaruSasu.


**A/N: **This is tied for the most self-inserty thing I've ever written, the other being Hollow. This one is not about eating disorders, but about self-loathing. More specifically, about how you can find yourself so deeply entrenched in self-loathing that the very idea of someone caring about you makes you sick-even furious. You think of yourself as an impossible burden, and fight to push everyone out and force everyone away. And when people surprise you and lift you up anyway, you're completely shocked-aren't you unbearably heavy?

Turns out, when someone really loves you, they'll carry you as far as they can, no matter how heavy you get.

This is for everyone who has carried me all these years.

* * *

><p><span>The Art of Drowning<span>

(This will be my last confession; "I love you" never felt like any blessing.)

–

It's a small room.

Prisoners aren't often given palaces to live in, but they keep telling him he's not a prisoner. He does not believe them.

He rests his head against the cool tile of the wall, his knees drawn to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle until his wrists sting from the pressure of the sleeves.

He does not believe them, because if he were not a prisoner, he would not be restrained.

–

Madara decided that Sasuke was no longer of use to him. Simultaneously, Sasuke decided Madara was no longer of use to _him_, his stomach roiling with anger and relief–peace was a foolish thing to hope for, at this point, but perhaps respite, and that wouldn't be a bad consolation prize at _all_–so he readied his chidori and Madara just _breathed_, that action sinister enough alone–

–

Sasuke had dreamed Naruto for years, ever since he left him at the valley of the end, and even infrequently before.

The dreams varied from restless sleeping, trapped in strong, dark arms, to fists and blood and sparking chakra, to the sensation of hundreds of needles piercing his flesh and Naruto's heart thudding against his shoulder and sharp, long fingernails digging into his arms and sick, burning chakra stinking of blood and–

The common theme was that Naruto loved him and stubbornly refused to let go.

Sometimes, Sasuke dreamed of being drowned.

–

–but it was Kabuto who finally did it.

"Without Orochimaru-sama's power, you are _nothing_," he hissed, and Sasuke snarled and didn't move, the clang of hundreds of shinobi locked in battle battle roaring around him. The grass under his feet was damp; for a second, his heel slipped, and he focused chakra to the bottom of his feet to lock them in place–

_Earlier, when you talked to Sakura...w-what did she ...say?_

_...heh. Not telling! _

"Try me," he demanded, his voice shaking in a way he prayed would be masked by the rumble of moving earth and the screaming of the wind, and pulled his arm back, and Kabuto lunged, and–

"_SASUKE!"_

–

"Sasuke?"

It takes a few tries for him to flop his head to the side. The gesture is futile–he's blindfolded, a precaution against the sharingan, and couldn't see his visitor if he tried–but it's a force of habit. Turning his ear closer to the speaker would help him hear better, but the drugs make his senses dull. He's not sure which direction to turn–forgets why he was supposed to turn in the first place.

"Sasuke."

Right. He tries and fails to shake off the cloudy, fuzzy feeling in the back of his head. The voice doesn't help him focus; instead, it distracts him, leaving him disoriented and frustrated.

"Sasuke, calm down. You can't hit me, so stop trying; you'll just end up hurting yourself."

"Yeah, and hitting Sakura-chan isn't gonna fix your problems." The hands are soft and gentle in his hair. Sasuke tosses his head, hissing.

"Shut up," he spits, and another, smaller set of hands joins the first, combing softly against his scalp.

"Shhh. I'm here to help you." The voice is soft, feminine; _not his_. Sasuke bucks against the touch, away from the sound, seeking the firm strength of the first pair of hands; a cool needle slips into his neck and everything turns...nothing.

–

_It was dark and the air was cold, but he was wrapped up safely in warm, sturdy arms. The familiar smell of aniki surrounded him, and he allowed himself to doze, lulled into half-sleep by the motion of __Itachi's steps._

_"I love you," Sasuke whispered into the collar of Itachi's shirt. A hand began patting his back in gentle rhythm. There was the noise of running water, and Itachi stopped walking and knelt._

_Sasuke felt himself being lowered, gently, and he let out a little whine. He didn't care that he was too big to snuggle; he didn't want Nii-san to let go yet. Frowning, he opened his eyes and reached up._

_Cold water hit his back. Itachi's eyes glowed red, his face and anbu uniform stained with blood. Sasuke choked, then began to scream, but Itachi's hands were like iron, shoving him under the surface of the water–_

–

–warm blood spattered his arms.

Kabuto froze, shocked, but only for a moment; he grinned like a mad thing and plowed past and _through_ Naruto, who _stood back up,_ his jumper covered in dirt and little bits of grass sticking to so much blood.

Sasuke couldn't move. Naruto barreled into him from the side, hot, sticky red drenching Sasuke's clothes, and held him to the dewy ground as Kabuto flew past, gouging another wound into Naruto's bicep.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke snarled, struggling against what should be insignificant weight. Naruto laughed above him, spraying blood onto his cheek.

"Saving your ass." It came out a growl, matching the slight elongation of Naruto's teeth; the red of his eyes. "You don't get to die like this."

–

When Sasuke wakes up, he's being held again, a solid body wrapped around him, hands in his hair.

"How did you get in?" Sasuke murmurs. The collarbone under his lips moves as a low, rumbling laughter fills the cell.

"You let me in, bastard," comes the reply, teasing but affectionate; Sasuke relaxes into the familiar, safe banter.

"I can't move my arms," he points out, and fingers ghost over his wrists, feather-light.

"True," Naruto says cheerfully, "but that doesn't really matter, does it."

–

_Kakashi was the one holding him now, with Naruto and Sakura at either side. They stood, eyes dull, as Sasuke went under, but for a flicker of a moment, Naruto's hand twitched._

_The next night was the battle on the bridge in Wave Country. The hands that would have drowned him were unseen, but in the moments before his dream-self lost consciousness, something red and bubbling exploded with a roar above the water, and scorching hands dragged him up for air. _

–

"Why is she here?" Sasuke presses his nose into Naruto's chest. Hands rub soothingly, absently up and down his spine.

"You know why I'm here, Sasuke." Warm hands surrounded by cool chakra press against Sasuke's temples and he squirms, trying to get away from _her_ and closer to _him._

"You know why she's here, Sasuke," Naruto whispers, his breath cool against Sasuke's ear. "It might not be the best idea to talk about her in third person, either. She'll think you're crazy."

"I _am_ crazy," Sasuke mutters, tugging at the straps of the straitjacket to prove his point. Behind him, Sakura lets out a sigh, tragic and broken.

"I know. Now relax for me."

"Relax for her," Naruto agrees, and so Sasuke goes limp.

–

–and Naruto was rolling off him in less time than it took for Sasuke to breathe, his wounds steaming as the Kyuubi's chakra healed them.

"Back off, Sasuke, and wait for me," Naruto commanded, the strength of his voice seeping into every bone and muscle in Sasuke's body and making him shudder, penetrating so much more deeply than the predawn chill.

"Now, Sasuke," Naruto growled, fingers crossing as he formed a clone. Sasuke's toes curled in his sandals, his breath coming in harsh, needy gasps.

"I said _now!"_

–

"_But why?"_

_Sasuke claws at Naruto's shoulders as he's lowered into warm, still water, blue eyes above him raw with grief._

_"Because I–" _

–

"–am trying to help you," she says, her fingers icy against his temples. Naruto runs soothing hands over his lower back, working on the muscles there as Sakura attempts to heal the battered, twisted mess inside his head.

"Then why won't you let me see him," Sasuke says, laying his cheek against Naruto's chest.

"Wow, Sasuke," Naruto murmurs, his hands still constantly working. He doesn't elaborate. Behind them, Sakura takes in a shuddering breath.

"You know very well why," she says in a voice that Sasuke recognizes as the one she uses when she's trying desperately not to give away her emotions.

–

Naruto laughed, humorlessly, and didn't look over his shoulder. The watery blue light threw his features into relief, twisted together into an expression so solidly determined it made Sasuke nauseous. It wasn't that the strength was something _new,_ but–

He had never seen Naruto so in control of his own power, so ready to bend it to his will, and so sure that he would use it and _win._

Sasuke moaned, softly, before he could help himself.

Naruto smiled.

"Because you're mine and I love you," he said, and the clone next to him began spinning chakra into a swirling, bright ball. "Now _move_."

Sasuke moved.

–

"_Because you're mine and I love you," Naruto whispers, and suddenly Naruto is underwater, too, struggling against Sasuke's grip. Blue eyes widen in panic, and Sasuke kicks, frantic._

_"Let go of me," he manages to whisper, the water cool in his mouth._

_Naruto's eyes harden, banishing the fear, and he locks his arms around Sasuke's body as they sink into heavy blackness._

_"Never." _

–

The room isn't large, but with Sasuke against one wall and Sakura against the other and absolutely no one in-between, the distance between them echoes like they're miles apart.

"Stop the healing sessions," Sasuke murmurs, too much terror seeping through his voice. The air is ice cold. Cloth shifts, painfully loud in Sasuke's over-sensitive ears; a soft, cool hand passes over his cheek.

"Why?"

–

"Because if I'm yours, then you're just as much mine," Sasuke hollered over the roar of Naruto's rasengan and the shriek of his own chidori. "We'll settle this when everything is done."

Naruto takes Sasuke's free hand and braces both of them for the coming attack. He glances over, blue eyes wild.

"I'm holding you to that."

–

"_Don't worry, Sasuke."_

_Naruto's arms are warm and solid. Sasuke clutches at the back of his shirt, the river roaring underneath them._

_"You'll drop me," he gasps. _

–

"Don't say it," Sasuke says, flatly, nausea ripping up into his throat. "If you don't say it, and if you stop the healing sessions, then I can–I'll–"

The room–his prison–is horribly, stiflingly empty.

"You'll what, Sasuke? Keep sucking the life out of everyone around you as we watch you go insane, clinging to a–a spectre, a fucking _mirage_, a–" Her hands curl into his shirt, fists trembling. Bile scorches the back of his throat.

"Don't–"

–

"_RASENGAN!"_

_"CHIDORI!" _

Chakra screamed and boiled the air. The blast was huge–the kind of power that shinobi could only dream of tasting. It leveled everything–not even Madara stood a chance against that kind of devastation.

It was a double-edged sword.

The last thing Sasuke felt before going under was Naruto, his arms locking around Sasuke's chest and covering as much of him as he could. Red, deep chakra scorched and burnt his skin as it healed, and Sasuke screamed until the world disappeared.

–

"_I need to know why," Sasuke demanded, gagging on the hysteria clawing at his insides. Naruto just laughed, the sound a clear, gentle thing that ripped Sasuke open like rotten fruit._

_"Because, bastard–"_

–

"A fucking _ghost,_ Sasuke!"

"Don't _say it!"_

Sasuke uses his only weapon, hurling himself against the wall until his skull connects with a loud _crack._ Stars and chakra swirls explode behind his eyes as Sakura catches him, grabbing his head–for a second, there's another warm hand against his shoulder–and flooding it with healing.

Naruto's hand is gone.

Sasuke screams.

–

When Sasuke woke in the hospital, he was surrounded by eerie, heavy silence, his head aching under the dulling effect of the painkillers. Sakura was at the bed next to him, shoulders shaking, her head against a horribly still chest.

"Even with the Kyuubi, there was only enough chakra to heal one of you," came Kakashi's cool voice to Sasuke's left. He turned, and was met for the first time with an unmasked face. But it didn't matter, because Kakashi's eyes had never looked so _dead._

"He's going to wake up," Sasuke said, his voice a raw whisper. Sakura let out an exhausted sob, and Kakashi's mouth hardened.

"I think you'll find the nine-tails to be a difficult charge." Sasuke barely heard it over the roaring in his skull, hot and familiar. "He and Naruto had finally started getting along. He won't be happy that he had to move hosts again."

No, no, _no_–

Sasuke struggled to sit up, peering over to the other bed, where Naruto lay–where _what was left of him_ lay, fuck, there was too much blood; Naruto was more _hole_ than _skin_ and–

"There has to be something you can–" Sasuke choked, turning on Kakashi. He must have looked half-wild–he felt half-wild, his eyes wide and his vision fading, blurry, his body convulsing, desperate for some respite from the feeling that his insides were slowly being ground into a paste. His hand darted out and his fingers locked around Kakashi's wrist. "There has to be _something."_

_Not now. Not when things were finally going to be–_

Kakashi managed to pry Sasuke's fingers loose, taking his hand instead. Sasuke's knuckles cracked from strength of the grip; he squeezed back, harder, panting from the sensation of blood rushing to his head.

He became aware of the throbbing, screaming ache at his abdomen, and glanced down at the bloodied bandages.

"It took the elders some convincing, but Naruto wouldn't have it any other way," Kakashi said. "He loved you, Sasuke."

_You're mine and I love you._

Everything went scarlet-black, rage twisting like sweet acid in his gut, and Sasuke was halfway off the bed with chakra ripping up the air around him before Kakashi managed to grab him and make eye contact–swirling red and black and–

black again.

–

"No," Sasuke mutters, over and over and over, rocking himself against the wall. The door is barricaded, no doubt to keep out that stench of blood and rot–although it's not doing a very good job; Sasuke's room is absolutely foul with the stink of it, so foul it's actually _visible_ in a glowing, dull orange fog that burns his skin.

"We need Naruto," Sasuke whispers, lips dry and bleeding. "Naruto could make this right."

A thick, rumbling voice the size of a universe agrees in a tongue Sasuke doesn't understand why he can understand. His belly burns.

–

"_–you were never all that heavy to begin with!" Naruto proves his point by hitching Sasuke more securely into his arms. "I bet I could carry you in one arm and never drop you. You really need to eat more ramen."_

_Sasuke sighs, laying his head against Naruto's shoulder. He can't tell if the hot brightness, painful against his eyes, comes from the setting sun or from Naruto's smile. "My stomach hurts."_

_"Yeah, a fresh seal will do that to you." Naruto's voice is agreeable, comforting. He crouches down, cradling Sasuke securely against his chest, and gently lifts his shirt. His fingers brush against the dark, spiraling lines, paradoxically soft and soothing against the burnt skin._

_"It'll feel better if you let Sakura-chan help you out up here–" a gentle tap against Sasuke's forehead–"and if you work on all the knotted-up messes you've got going on in here." A palm, laid against Sasuke's heart._

_His breath hitches. Naruto smiles, and kisses his forehead.  
><em>_  
>"That's what you've got me for. And not some washed-up hallucinated figment-me, either. I'm right here, Sasuke, just like I always was, and just like I always will be." Naruto presses, gently, against Sasuke's heart, then draws his hand back and lifts him up again. "That's why I wanted you to have the nine-tails, you know–so part of me's always with you. No matter what happens."<em>

_"I should have told you that I–" Sasuke's hands twist in Naruto's shirt. Somehow, his eyes are burning, fire spilling over his face and leaving scorched, wet marks against his cheeks before settling, damp, in Naruto's shirt._

_"I knew. Don't worry about it." Naruto secures Sasuke against his chest and walks, towards the sun and the bank of the wide, glassy river. "Wouldn't have carried you this whole time if I thought you didn't love me, Sasuke." _

–

_What happened?_

His lips move, but there is no sound. Sakura is above him, the slight chill of her healing chakra soothing against his aching temples. For the first time in weeks, he can see–the blindfold has been removed.

"The seal broke," Sakura says, her face carefully devoid of expression. "They didn't tell us until you'd been locked in your room for almost an hour. You should thank Kakashi; if it weren't for his mangekyou, we wouldn't even have been able to get in, let alone get to you in time."

His stomach is pleasantly, liquidly warm, as though he's cradling a ball of all the good feelings in the world tucked inside his abdomen. He tells his hand to move, and it does, free from the restraints of the straitjacket. He tentatively lays his palm on his belly. It doesn't hurt.

The heart monitor beeps quietly. Sakura smiles, a shy, watery thing like the first not-quite certain light of dawn, and she puts her hand over Sasuke's, twining their fingers together.

"But I think you're going to be okay now, Sasuke," she says, and he closes his eyes and relaxes into the pillow, and the coolness of her touch, and the glow of Naruto spreading slowly through every bone and muscle.

–

_He is standing on an embankment, facing a forest. The sound of rushing water fills his ears from somewhere behind him, calling him; asking him to turn around and slip into the current, to close his eyes and let the water fill his lungs as he passes into sleep._

_The forest is dark and overgrown, a threatening wind rustling the branches. Sasuke frowns, and takes a step back._

_A hand slips into his. He turns to his right, gazing at the familiar, open face; into warm, blue eyes._

_Naruto takes his other hand. The river roars and churns to one side; the wind screams through the __trees to the other. Naruto smiles and pulls Sasuke against him, brushing their mouths together–he breathes, flooding Sasuke's body with gentle warmth._

_"I know it's scary," Naruto murmurs, lips moving against Sasuke's, "but I've got your back."_

_He lets go of Sasuke's hands and points. It's so subtle Sasuke almost misses it, but–there._

_The branches seem to have shifted, opening up a small path._

_"Breathe," Naruto says, and Sasuke does. The breeze from the woods stirs his hair, warm against his face._

_He steps forward. _

–

(I was a heavy heart to carry, but he never let me down. When he held me in his arms, my feet never touched the ground. )


End file.
